As my husband, Dan, and I spend time coaching married couples in crisis, a common theme arises from the ashes – and that is selfishness. We see a ‘my way or the highway’ approach to the marriage. Therefore, when conflict happens, resolution is about as likely to happen as a snowball surviving in Yuma, Arizona.
Couples so quickly draw battle lines and gather weapons to use against each other. It is a shame they have forgotten that instead of enemies – their spouse is their teammate. They have forgotten that as they tear down this person, they are tearing down their own marriage, family and home.
Jesus tells us in Luke 11:17, “A house divided against itself will fall.” Boy have we seen that happen over and over again.
A team consists of players with different skills. Not everyone on a football team can be a quarterback. That is a formula for disaster and loss.
Same with a marriage. A husband and wife both bring assets to the marriage team. A smart couple will encourage each other to use their strongest gifts and talents in the marriage to be a ‘winning team’. No, each team player will not always see ‘eye to eye’. No, each player may not agree with the next play that has been called to be executed. But … there is a singleness of purpose on a strong team – in other words – unity.
In the book, Finding Ever After, by Dr. Robert Paul, he shares that he and his wife adopted a “no-losers policy.” He says, “In other words, we agreed that it was unacceptable for either of us to walk away from any situation with one or both of us feeling defeated. Adopting a no-losers policy requires a willingness to find enough faith to walk into adventure of an uncertain outcome and trust that God will see you through successfully.”
Dan and I do not have this figured out totally, but we did experience this ‘no-loser’ situation not long ago. We were planning a trip to Colorado to see our kids – wanting to spend about three days with them. Schedules got changed and the trip was moved. Not only was the trip moved, but the time was shortened as well.
Dan made the decision to not reschedule the trip again – but to enjoy the day and a half instead. I was not happy about that. Here is where I had the choice to draw the battle lines and fully engage in war – or I could be the team player and follow the instructions for the next ‘play.’ I decided to support my teammate. At least we were going to see the kids. It was still a nice getaway for Dan and me. And …it would not be my last opportunity ever to see the kids again. I decided to not have my “house be divided and fall.”
I know we all want our own way. However, a team that goes many directions will lose. Look for your marriage’s purpose – you and your spouse’s unity. Then adopt the ‘no-loser policy’.
Look for ways to get to the goal line – and there may be many different ways to do that – but help each other by utilizing each other’s gifts and talents to make sure your team wins!
Remember; don’t burn down your own house to win the war!
Blessings in your Blending!