69% Conflict = No Resolution


Dan and I have been blessed to attend several courses of clinical training in the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy. We not only want to share the journey of the past with you, but also want to learn and grow to be able to offer hope and help to your marriages – whether you are blended, traditional or thinking about it!

During this training, Dan and I were surprised to learn that approximately sixty-nine percent of conflicts within a marriage are perpetual; in other words, there is no resolution. So, in my feeble attempt to grasp this, over half the time I will disagree or have conflict with Dan. As I reflect on this, I find that it’s quite true: we don’t parent the same; we don’t agree on how to set up an office; we don’t like each other’s driving habits; and he still won’t eat sushi!

So how do we have a blessed, amazing marriage?  Listen carefully.  There is an answer. The only way to have the marriage you want with your husband is to have the both of you seeking and following God. There is a worldly way to do things and then there is a Godly way of doing things. Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” Everyone.

Why is it easier to be nice to the rude cashier than hold back a snide comment to your husband? Why do we easily change our schedules to accommodate taking food to someone who has had surgery but we can’t find the time or energy to make our husbands a sack lunch for his impossibly busy day? Isn’t this a sad state of affairs?

Speaking of affairs … aren’t these small examples of how “chinks in the armor” happen to let Satan in and wreak havoc within our already fragile state of only thirty-one percent of being agreeable with our mate?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: children will come and go but your husband is the one you will have to learn to live with after all the child raising is done. One day you will look up and the house will be quiet and there will be an absence of chaos.  You will see this man. Who is he? You remember being quite fond of him years ago but have only vague memories.

I don’t want this scenario for you. Cultivate that thirty-one percent of life and marriage that you agree on with your husband. Learn to “live in peace” with the sixty-nine percent of conflict that you are going to face EV – ER – Y day!

My husband tells some of the men he mentors, “You can be right or you can be happy.” I guess given the stats we learned about, the saying makes perfect sense!

Today, realize that your marriage will not be perfect. Realize that your husband is human. Realize, we women take after Eve; and she was the first one deceived in the Garden of Eden. When we walk in pride and arrogance, the pothole is just waiting for us. Then, be diligent to make sure your husband knows that you are willing to be nice, move schedules, and make him a priority in your life. We don’t agree on everything, but we can learn how to appreciate how God made the other.

Blessings in Your Blending!

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